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Barry Jones's Diary - week 1 E-mail
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Fat and Proud is, er ... proud (and fat) to present the Diary of an Overeater.  We hope it provides merriment, joy and exciting recipes for the year to come.

Fri 1st Jan 2010

Woke up hungry, upside down and with a headache.  No idea what I did last night, but I hope I enjoyed it – certainly feels like I did.  Found a packet of crumpets I’d forgotten about in the back of the bread bin. Good start to the year.

Resolution to give up smoking going well – I had a few today, to wean myself off them gradually.  I mean, there’s no point in making myself unhappy, is there?

Lunch was another packet of crumpets, which were hiding under the first pack, then I vegged out with my new Blu-ray player and some leftover Christmas choccies before Jean came up from downstairs and knocked me up a pretty killer steak with blue cheese.  She did me some fried mushrooms, but they looked suspicious, and I’m still nervous of Jean’s veg following the sweet potato incident back in October, so I left them.

A couple more cigarettes (naughty!), the last layer of 2009’s Ferrero Rocher, and a well-earned kip in front of high-def Fawlty Towers.

Blinding day.

Saturday 2nd Jan

Leaving the mushrooms was one thing – turns out I should have left the steak, as well. Spent a good portion of today holding my gut and sniffing back tears of pain.

In the end, my miracle gut-rot cure was pepto-bismol with chips.  I suspect the chips had more to do with it than the pink goo.

A bit of a wash-out today.  Stumbled to the shop and accidentally bought 100 Marlboro Golds, but I’ll definitely make them last a while now that I’m a non-smoker.

Sun 3rd Jan

I hate Sundays.  I sometimes wish I believed in God, just to give me something to do.  Jean came up with a rotisserie chicken she’d bought from Sainsbury’s.  The skin was rubbery and the potatoes she did tasted funny, but after yesterday’s near-death experience my tastebuds are playing up a bit.  I smothered everything with gravy and then chased it down with half a Vienetta I forgot was in the chest-freezer.

As the only film I have on Blu-ray is Sex & The City, which came with the player, I decided to stick to TV, and I watched a marathon four episodes of Top Gear on Dave before falling asleep.

Woke up at 6 pm and noticed the ash-tray was full.  I think I’ve started sleep-smoking.  My subconscious craves nicotine even more than I do.  But I’m not giving up.  I am a committed non-smoker, and I have decided to start giving smokers evil looks in the high street, just to confirm my new status.

Mon 4th Jan

It’s the first Monday of the new year, and time to get back to work.  Emailed two clients and told them their accounts were out of order, quoting a price to get them back on track by the end of the financial year.

I took a set of books, and the annual trading statement, for a company called Dynamic Enamel, into the bath with me.  For the life of me I can’t work out if they turned a profit last year.  I’m not even sure what it is they do.

So far, 2010 is going well.  Giving up smoking is the best decision I ever made, although I did have a moment of weakness and ponced a box of 20 off Jean from downstairs when she came up to cook dinner.

Jean did sausages with potato gratin and crinkly green stuff.  I think she’s getting unhealthily obsessed with potatoes.  Might have a word with her.

Tues 5th Jan

Somebody once told me that our days of the week, and months of the year, are named after Roman gods.  I found this very interesting, as I’d always thought it was the other way round.  Makes you feel sorry for the god Tue – he got lumbered with the day when everyone feels depressed because the weekend is too far away.

One of the companies I emailed yesterday emailed back, telling me they already pay me to do their accounts, and won’t be paying me any more to fix my own mistake.  In a fit of pique, I moved some decimal points in their end-of-year statement, but then I felt bad and emailed the managing director a nice message with a smiley face at the end.

Chips for dinner – Jean has recovered from all the silly cooking programmes she watched over Christmas.  I was thinking of getting Sky HD, so that the gravy on Come Dine With Me will really glisten, but I don’t want to give Jean ideas.

Very few cigarettes today. Go, me.

Weds 6th Jan

I have slipped.  I am a fallen man.  I bought cigarettes when I went out in the snow, and tried to hide them from myself under a bar of Whole Nut.  The ruse failed, and I found them quickly.  Maybe if I’d gone for Fruit & Nut, my lungs would have been safe for slightly longer.

The snow is really quite heavy.  The whole of Britain is snowed in, as I found out when I got home from the shops and put the telly on.  Lots of pictures on the news of cars skidding all over the place.  Very funny, but they should have put funny music on it, like they do on You’ve Been Framed.

None of my clients were at work today – lots of shops and offices are closed because of the snow – so I had a rest and watched Where Eagles Dare on Blu-ray.  Blockbuster have loads of Blu-ray DVDs, and I have bought enough to last me through the cold snap.

Thurs 7th Jan

One week in, and so far 2010 is a very cold year.  Outside, the snow is thick and fluffy, and the UK’s infrastructure has predictably collapsed.  There isn’t enough grit for the roads, all the schools are closed, and there’s more snowmen in the street than real people.  Unless the snowmen are real people who stood still for too long.  We’ll find out when it thaws.

Jean took the day off work today, and decided to hang around my flat, cooing at the high-def telly like it was a firework display.  She’s never seen Burt Lancaster with such clarity, and I think she found it a little overwhelming.

We had a take-away for dinner, and the little Chinese fella told us he’d skidded into a lamp-post on the way round, but the duck still tasted fine.

Less than half a pack of cigarettes today, which I was very proud of, so I rewarded myself with the other half of the pack.  I think this resolution is going to stick.  I can already feel the benefit.

Watched Where Eagles Dare again, and went to bed with a book, but it turned out to be about women, so I read last month’s Sci-Fi Now instead.  Apparently, they’re doing a sequel to Battlestar Galactica.  Excited.